The past year

So as stated in my previous post, this past year and a bit has been crazy! Not in terms of relationship, me and my fiancé are very happy and things couldn’t be better in that sense.

In December 2015 my mum got diagnosed with cancer. Now as you’ve read me and my mum aren’t very close, but when she got diagnosed with cancer that went out the window. I went straight up to see her and stayed with her for a week to make sure she was ok and stuff after her operations. Luckily she got the all clear in 2016. This left me with mixed feelings, obviously I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy and so was really upset and low about her being diagnosed, but then at the same time, she had treated me like crap throughout my life, why should I bother with her! A few months later in early 2016 my auntie (mums sister) also got diagnosed with the same type of cancer my mum had and she also had an operation to remove it. Unfortunately hers wasn’t as successful and she later passed away. So again I spent the money on planes and trains to get up to where the funeral was being held. Because I had come from quite far away I came about 5 days before the funeral and was going to stay with my Nan and granddad along with my mum and her partner.

When I got there on Friday, it all quite simply, went tits up! My other auntie (my mums other sister) got rushed into A&E with a severe asthma attack. My Nan and mum went up to see her and I stayed with my granddad and step dad. When mum and nan got back they explained she had been moved to a high dependency ward as she was really struggling to breathe. No sooner had they got home they got a call to say she has been moved to Intensive Care and she is now on a breathing machine as she was unable to support her own breathing.

I was a mess, how could this happen to such a wonderful person, 5 days before her own sister’s funeral. We went up to see her in Intensive Care and the sight will never leave my mind. She was on her back, sat almost fully upright, with so many tubes going in her mouth and nose and so many different monitors and medicines surrounding her. It was so haunting. I had no idea if she could hear me and actually didn’t quite know what to say but I gave it a go anyway. I just told her about my journey and stuff and held her hand while I spoke. Then, I felt a twitch, she twitched her thumb. It scared me at first as I wasn’t expecting any movement. The nurses explained that they believe she can still hear even though she is in a coma, so I spoke to her again and she squeezed my hand. It was so nice knowing she could hear me.

We could only go two at a time in the room to see her so we all took it in turns and every day before the funeral we went up to see her and spend time with her. Somehow she managed to contract pneumonia, she had a collapsed lung and heart failure, so there were times where we got a call to say they don’t think she will make it through the next few hours. We all rushed up there when we got the call but she held on it there. I stayed 3 more days after the funeral and her condition didn’t change. She was still fighting, but I had to go home to go back to work and stuff.

Luckily after a good few weeks she did improve and she went from strength to strength and finally she managed to come home, I was relieved! It was great news.

But all of this took its toll on me, when I got home from seeing my auntie and burying my other I was severely depressed. I didn’t turn up for work and got an emergency appointment with my doctor who signed me off for two weeks. Things went from bad to worse and I ended up badly self-harming. I would spend my day in bed. This is when I started to hear the evil laughter, it was so distressing. I remember crying and crying on my partners shoulder telling him I couldn’t go any longer. How it had to end. At this point he couldn’t help me any further and we got in contact with thr crisis team. From here things are foggy but I know that we had a few appointments with the crisis team and they tried to treat me at home and one lady even came to my flat on one particular night when my partner was at work to check I was ok. At that moment I was ok and so she went on her way. Unfortunately that night, things got so dark and scary. The laughter was so intense and haunting, I couldn’t get away. I banged my head but it didn’t stop and then I ran to the bathroom and as I looked in the bathroom mirror my face started to distort. Bits were enlarging and my eyes changed colours it was so scary. Then all I remember afterwards is having a huge carving knife to my throat slicing in to it until I was shaking that much I couldn’t hold the knife and it dropped to the floor.

My partner came home not long after and apparently found me on the bathroom floor, with blood all around me (I don’t remember this) and he phoned crisis straight away. They all decided there wasn’t any way that I could be kept safe at home and I ended up on the psych ward. I was so poorly but couldn’t see it. I hated the psych ward, it was full to the brim with patients and everyone was basically fighting for attention from the staff. Unless you kicked up a fuss they didn’t check to see how you were. After 2 weeks I had to discharge myself – this place was making me worse. My partner came to pick me up and as I got in the car, I told him determined I was to fight this outside of work. And we did! Both of us, together managed to get me feeling better, and I also managed to get back to work which I think personally is a massive achievement.

During the period of me leaving the hospital and going back to work, my partner also proposed to me! It was magical and I couldn’t believe it was happening to me. The man I adore, the one who stood by me through such difficult times was asking me, me!! To marry him! I was in absolute shock and couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I got him to repeat it a few times to make sure I heard him right. So yh we are currently planning our wedding and in terms of relationships I couldn’t be happier. I’m going to marry the man of my dreams. The man, who held me whilst I was sobbing, hugged me tight and told me he will always be here for me. The man who stole my heart.

Advertisements

Boyfriends and Bruises Continued / Right here, right now

Firstly I apologise for the length of this post but it follows on from ‘Boyfriends and Bruises’ and takes you right up to the present day.

After that night, mine and Cs relationship was horrendous. I would get punched and kicked and forced to have sex with him almost daily. He made my life such a misery. I was too scared to break up with him as I wasn’t sure what he would do and so endured it. I don’t know how it happened but Cs work colleague (A) got my phone number and we started to message, he came round my place one night and was really pissed but I didn’t care it was someone to talk to and have some company. I had already told C that I was going to bed so I knew he wouldn’t ring, text or come round. Me and A played the PlayStation for most of the night and it was so nice. I went to get us a drink and he followed me. Still conscious of the state of the flat outside of the living room I didn’t want him to follow so I stood in the door way to stop him from following. We playfully struggled with each other and then he looked me straight in my eyes, my back against the living room door, his hand came up to my chin and slowly lifted my head and kissed me. It felt so amazing. It felt like it was just me and him in the world, it was amazing.

That night we did end up sleeping together and I really didn’t care that I was cheating on C. He had made my life a misery so if I was able to escape and have fun with someone else I was going to do it. Me and A met up most evenings after that night, I would go round his around midnight when his parents had gone to bed and we would spend the whole night together, listening to music, playing PlayStation and of course a lot of sex. I would leave about 6am before his parents got up and then id sleep for an hour before getting up for work. I have no idea how I managed to keep this up for so long, surviving off an hours sleep but he made me feel great, for once someone was being caring to me.

One evening whilst I was with C he invited A to his flat to get a takeaway with us. Obviously C had no idea what had been going on between me and A and neither A or myself declined the offer. I remember him walking through that door and my heart skipped a beat. He looked at me and winked and I honestly thought I was going to hyperventilate. We all spend the night doing various things and every now and again me and A would go for a cigarette outside and would stand in the porch kissing each other. I couldn’t believe what I was doing, but I didn’t care, C had treated me like shit and he deserved it. A knew all about the abuse in the relationship but respected my wishes that I couldn’t leave him just yet. The night carried on like this for a while and then A said he would walk me home so C didn’t have to worry and I knew exactly what he meant. I had never got my shoes and coat on so quickly. When we were out of view on Cs house we held hands and he kissed the top of my head. We walked through the park hand in hand, smiling and laughing and it felt so perfect.

A few days later me and C had a huge falling out, he accused me of cheating again, which of course this time I was, but because I kept saying no he punched me in the stomach telling me to ‘tell the truth’ each time I said I hadn’t cheated he punched me again until I couldn’t take it any longer and just came out with ‘ok, if it means you will leave me alone, yes I’ve cheated on you’ I had never seen him so enraged, punches and kicks came my way continuously, whilst on the floor he spat on me and kicked me in my face. He kept saying I would never get away with this. I didn’t have the strength to say that he had also cheated. I remember being dragged by my hair onto the bed and again he forced himself upon me and sex with me for what felt like an eternity. Once he had finished for good measure he punched me in my chest. It winded me so much I struggled to catch my breath. I just remember seeing him leave my flat with a grin. I didn’t know what to do, I phoned A in a panic and he came round straight away. By the time he got to me the bruises were starting to come up and I had a huge black eye, my cheek was so swollen and covered in bruises from his punches and kicks and also from the way he held me down when he had sex with me. The minute A saw me he broke down crying. A wasn’t the type to show his emotions so I knew it must have been bad. He wanted to go round and punch him himself but in this moment I just wanted him with me to keep me company. I was so scared he would come back and at least if he did I had protection.

We sat on my bed with the TV on low and he just held me in his arms, kissing my forehead and stroking my arm. I kept hearing my phone buzz but I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now so I ignored them all. Besides I was finding it hard to speak as my mouth was swollen. Suddenly I heard a bang on my door, ‘open this fucking door you bitch, you don’t get to ignore me’. I was so scared I froze to the spot. Then A got up and went to the door, I didn’t know what was going to happen but when he opened the door, C went to hurl abuse and then noticed who it was that opened the door. A was a tall broad man and there was no way that C couldn’t of taken him down. I was so relieved to know that A was here. C came into my flat and into my bedroom where me and A had been sat and he tried to get to me but A stopped him. There was so much anger in that room and A and C squared up to each other. C went to punch A but there was no way I was going to allow that to happen. I got in-between him and his punch landed on my face but I didn’t care. After witnessing C punch me A saw red and absolutely laid into him punching him. When he finished C was on the floor and A just stood next to me holding me tight kissing my head. I still don’t to this day know who called the police but they turned up a few minutes later. At first they had no idea what was going on so we were all put in cuffs and made to sit on my bed. The police ascertained what happened and me and A were released from the cuffs and C was taken away. When they all left I couldn’t even cry, I was numb to what had happened. I was shocked.

A stayed with me that night and I stayed with him for most nights after that. We were never in a relationship but there was clearly chemistry there and I think we both would of ended up going out with each other had one of us had the courage to ask the other. We both made police statements and C was charged with domestic violence. He tried to contact me a few times but I just ignored his messages as I couldn’t stand to even see his name. Me and A were happy enough with our meet ups and enjoyed each other’s company, he was the only person I had trusted with my body and he was so gentle and made sure never to step over the line. A few months down the line I met a guy on the dating app Plenty of Fish and we initially met this first time just for a potential hook-up. I told A about it as me and he weren’t in a relationship. He was a bit upset but told me it was ok, he wants me to be happy.

When I first walked into this guy’s house, it was a mess, like I mean horrendous. It was worse than mine; I couldn’t even see the floor in his place. I was completely shocked. We sat next to each other on the sofa and he poured us some red wine and we smoked quite a lot. We tried to make small talk but it was obvious he wanted sex even though I had told him we would see where it would go. I was now really nervous as his hands crept up over me and before I knew it he took me to his bedroom. The same as the living room I had to climb over so much shit all over the floor. It certainly wasn’t a great first impression. We ended up sleeping together and we met a few times after this. Then after a month he asked me out and feeling lonely and feeling like I needed a relationship I said yes.

The relationship was ok, I didn’t feel any love though and I knew I only got with him to have someone there for me. We would go for drives and stuff and it was ok. My mental health at this stage was pretty bad and he tried to help with this. Although he was never violent too me we started to get into loads of petty arguments over not a lot. I think it was down to the fact we both wanted different things in life. He had this grand 5 year plan, involving him buying a house etc. and at 19 I wasn’t ready for that at all!! I didn’t want to settle down and buy a house. I wanted to be a normal 19 year old. This put a strain on the relationship and the subject kept coming up. He was also really annoyed that he wasn’t allowed a key to my flat, which I didn’t think was appropriate. There may not have been any physical abuse but this relationship was draining. We both had different plans in life and hardly ever saw eye to eye on many subjects. He also started to be really demanding sexually. I had explained briefly about my past and explained there were a few things in the bedroom I wasn’t comfortable doing as it gave me flashbacks etc. but this didn’t seem to register with him and he would demand me to do certain things. I hated it with a passion but he would force me and so I had to.

The relationship lasted for 18 months. There was never any love in it and we were more friends than we were lovers and although so upset it had ended it was also a relief. We have remained friends and still talk to this day but I am so glad we aren’t in a relationship anymore. After we split up I found out he had a new girl round the very next night and I was so upset that he could just forget about me and our relationship like that. I was so hurt. I found out they slept together and I still to this day believe that they were talking before me and him split up. To get back at him I went onto a dating site, but knowing he was on there too, I made a completely fake profile, different age, different name etc. I don’t quite know why I did it. I think I just wanted to get back at him and deep down I knew I was never going to actually meet up with someone just to sleep with them to get back at him.

After creating my profile it showed me people nearby and out of curiosity I clicked on a few profiles to see who these people were. I didn’t touch the app after this; I thought it had had the desired effect, showing my ex that I had moved on. The next day I got a message on there. A guy had messaged me saying ‘Hi, I hope you don’t mind me messaging you. My name is [G] and I’m intrigued by your profile. How come you don’t have a pic?’ I dint know why but I messaged him back and explained that the information was false and gave him my real name and age and job etc. and send him a pic of me. We chatted all night. We initially started to message at 7pm and continued to talk until 2am! He sounded like such a sweet guy and for the first time in ages he made me smile. By the end on the conversation we had arranged to meet at a coffee shop the next day, less than 24 hours after initially talking!! My stomach was in knots all day at work. I kept thinking ‘what on earth am I doing’. ‘I’ve only just got out of a relationship’. ‘What if he is horrible like the others?’ This internal monologue went on all day at work and then 5pm came and I left work and headed to the coffee shop. I was shaking like mad and smoked about 4 cigarettes. I couldn’t believe what I was doing. I just wanted to turn around and bail on him but something drew me back and made me carry on towards the coffee shop.

We had arranged to meet on the outside of the coffee shop and to be honest I had no idea what this guy looked like. His profile picture was a side on pic. He had explained what he looked like and that he was 6ft 5 so I was just looking out for someone tall. I stood at the entrance waiting to try and spot him, then I looked to my right, and there was a guy also standing at the doors, we both looked at each other and then said each other’s names and realised we were meeting each other. We walked into the coffee shop and I bought us both coffee and we took a seat at the table. We both chatted continuously for 2 hours, feeling like it was just me and him in the shop. My nerves eased and I felt relaxed. When we noticed the time we decided to go out to make sure G didn’t have a parking ticket. I had a cigarette and he asked if I wanted to go sit somewhere with him. Now up until this point I had never got in a car with what was basically a complete stranger. I had no idea if he had a hidden agenda, but there was something about him that I didn’t think he did. I literally thought ‘fuck it’ and said yes and we got in the car. We drove around for a while and sat up somewhere and continued to chat. Finally he dropped me home and I had such a mix of emotions. I felt happy, relieved, had butterflies, confused – everything!

I messaged him to tell him how much of an enjoyable time I had had and we arranged to meet the next day again after work. This is exactly what we did and I loved every second. We were now seeing each other every day and on Saturday I had a haircut at the salon and he picked me up so that we could go for a walk somewhere. His first words when I got in the car were ‘wow, you’re so stunning!’ I felt amazing. Every time I saw him or received a message, my heart skipped a bit and I felt a rush of adrenaline. We drove to a nearby glen and walked down between the trees. There was a beautiful stream to the left of us and he said why don’t we have a race with sticks and see who’s comes under the bridge first. It was such a small thing but it felt so amazing, we were having so much fun. After playing we walked on a little bit and then in unison, we put our hands together and ended up walking the rest of the way hand in hand. It felt so perfect!! I actually felt in love – but we had only known each other a few days. After this we met once again every day and then after 2 weeks I went round to his parents with him where he lived and we all had tea together. We went up to his bedroom and put on a film and lay on the bed. He put his hand on my side and I moved my hand up to his. The film finished and I turned to lie on my back to talk to him etc. and we chatted a bit until that moment where everything goes silent, looking into each other’s eyes we ended up kissing and wow, it felt amazing, he held me gently while we kissed and at this moment I knew I loved him.

We spend the next 3 weeks with me going to his every night and staying over, his parents seemed to be ok with this and each night we would stroke and caress each other, and kiss like crazy. Nothing sexual happened for around 3 weeks since we first met and one night the passion got too much and we ended up in bed, it was THE best experience of my life. Nobody had ever been so caring and loving and confidence boosting as he was that night. After finishing we just lay on the bed, holding hands and kissing and he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was so perfect! Of course I said yes. I couldn’t believe I had bagged such an amazing man.

The daily meet ups kept happening and through all of this I was in the middle of moving to a new property which just happened to be around the corner from his parents where he was living. He helped me to move and once all my stuff was there, I gave him a key. Bear in mind we had only been together for a month at this point and I gave him a key to my property. From that moment, he spent every night at mine and soon enough he moved in. I would never changed this for anything, he is my soul mate and he still gives me butterflies almost 2 years down the line. Were now engaged and preparing for our wedding next year and I couldn’t be happier! He is my world and I finally found my prince charming after all the years of going from bad boyfriend to bad boyfriend.

So this takes us right up to the present day. There have been a few things over this past year that I will go into separately on a different blog post, but basically this is my life right up to now.

 

identifying the voices

Since gran passing I have a new voice, a little girl, only a child. She calls herself Sophie. She’s beautifully softly spoken, she makes me feel a sort of nurture for her. I want to protect her and keep her safe. There are times however that she is so sad and inconsolable, she cries and cries, and begs for help. It’s so distressing.

Most times I only ever hear one of the voices at one time, they don’t seem to know each other or know each other exist, but sometimes they both talk to me at the same time, it can get very busy and noisy in my head but when they both speak Sophie seems to drown out the sound of the horrible man. This helps me to block out the horrible man as the young girl is so comforting and calm. My instinct is to care and listen to her over some horrible old man. Before Sophie, my experience of voices had been very negative. When I was a teenager I heard a voice telling me to self-harm or he will kill my brother, last summer I heard an evil laughter from a man and recently I have heard this horrible man who is just so negative and causes me so much distress. I know who he is, and he revels in the fact I know. He wants to hurt me like he did in my childhood and sometimes he gets through, sometimes I do what he asks just for some peace and sometimes it gets too much that I have to do what he says, he’s relentless. Now since Monday I have heard Sophie, she’s made me realise voices aren’t always bad. She’s beautiful and although she is only young she helps me through the tough times. It almost feels like I have a guardian angel sat on my shoulder whispering me words of comfort. I think that’s why when she is so distressed and upset I find it hard to deal with. Nobody wants any little child to cry, she cries like she is terrified of something but won’t tell me what. I just want to physically get in my head and give her a cuddle. She has been helping me loads and I just want to help her.

I understand that this probably sounds really crazy to you, but trust me living with it is hard to get my head around too. I haven’t told anyone about Sophie yet, apart from a brief mention to my partner. I want to tell my CMHP but I didn’t find the right time in our session on Wednesday. I am also apprehensive he is going to call me a liar. Most people don’t believe me on anything, so trying to explain about the voices sounds completely barbaric, and I have no way to prove it. I guess I haven’t been trusted or believed through a lot of things in my life and in everything I do I remain truthful but sometimes people are harsh and don’t believe me and this makes things like this hard to talk about with someone. I have also done research on hearing voices and people’s experiences seem to be so far away from what I feel that I’m even finding it hard to believe that I really do hear these people.

I thought with the medication I am on that the voices would go but this doesn’t seem to of happened, which has me asking the question why am I even on these meds at all if they aren’t helping? I wish I could just get rid of the horrible man and keep Sophie, she helps me so much and I don’t feel alone when she talks to me. Sometimes we have whole conversations and other times she just offers words of comfort. She motivates me to get through work and gives me inspiration for doing new things. It’s hard to believe she is just a little child.

Sleep tight

I haven’t been on here in a good while but right now I feel I just need to let everything out that’s inside. This may be a short post or a long one I have no idea. (Seems to be a theme with me).

As you know from my previous post ‘Gran’ had been taken into a cancer specialist unit as she was really poorly. Unfortunately she passed away on the 30th L. We went to see her on Friday and she was quite agitated and distressed. She wasn’t eating or drinking and was in so much pain. The nurses did their best to help her out. On Saturday her son came up from Dover to see her and spend some time with her before she passed away. Me and my partner decided because there would be a whole load of people there we wouldn’t go up to see her that day and instead see her on Sunday. My partner went to work as normal but 10 minutes after him being there we received a call explaining that gran had deteriorated a lot and was now sedated to help her to relax. We rushed straight up there, scared and upset. We had no idea what to expect when we walked in.

As we got there the whole family was in the room, surrounding her bed, saying calming words to her and holding her hand. Even though she was in a coma the nurses informed us that she could still hear, and she could because sometimes she would squeeze our hand as we spoke to her or try to open her eyes. It was a shock first walking in, the previous day we had seen her awake and alert all-be-it in pain so to now see her laying there with her eyes closed and unable to move was a complete shock. Something else also happened when she went into this coma, she was completely unable to swallow – this is why she had such difficulty swallowing her food and water. Because she couldn’t swallow it meant she couldn’t remove the saliva at the back of her throat and so every time she breathed out this haunting gargling/crackling noise would come from her. It was so distressing to hear it at first and we kept ringing the bell for the nurses to come and check everything was ok.

We started to get used to the noise and was able to distinguish ourselves if she was in discomfort or that the nurses needed to clear the back of her throat for her. We stayed there from Saturday, all through Sunday and all through Monday right up until 11:50pm Monday night when she finally passed. I didn’t sleep at all. The nurses were so kind to give us a room upstairs with two single beds in for us to get some sleep. Since Saturday there was me, my partner, my partner’s brother and his wife and my partner’s mum who stayed around the clock. On Monday evening it had now been two days we had all sat there holding her hand and talking to her and none of us had slept so we sent my partners mum and also my partner’s brothers wife upstairs to get a few hours’ sleep. We rang them back down after 2 hours as grans breathing was now getting a lot quicker and we were a bit concerned. The nurses reassured us all was ok. We decided my partner and my partner’s brother would be next to try and get some sleep and we girls would stay with gran. It took so much pleading to get them to leave the room and go upstairs but eventually they did.

This is where it all changed. After battling with them to get sleep they finally went upstairs, before they even reached the room gran took one of her last breathes. We scrambled to find our phones to ring the boys and tell them to get down here, I couldn’t see my phone properly as I was in such a rush but luckily managed to call them, a few seconds later they were in the room and she took 2 final breaths before passing.

I felt so guilty for sending the boys upstairs, we had been there for 3 days all of us around her bedside and the one time they stepped out she passed. I’m trying to hold on to the fact that we sent them up and gran knew this and so she felt she could take her final gasp without the grandsons being there to witness it. I can tell you – it is one of the most distressing and traumatic things I have ever witnessed. The final two breaths were lovely and peaceful but that initial gasp will never leave my memory. I am so glad my partner didn’t have to witness that.

After she passed the nurses came in to lay her flat and they put a beautiful yellow rose on her pillow next to her head. She looked so peaceful and at rest now. We all sat around in the room comforting each other and reminiscing of times with gran, it was actually really nice. I’ve never witness somebody die in front on me and I always thought I wouldn’t be able to be around a dead body but it actually didn’t feel as weird as I thought it would. We stayed with her for about 1 hour 30 and the nurses came in to wash her and put her in the clothes we had chosen. When we went back to see her to say goodbye one final time she looked so peaceful but, it really did feel that her spirit had left this world.

I’m not a religious person but witnessing that, I believe that people really do have souls and they leave us when we pass. I’ve recently been reading a whole bunch of stuff on spiritual living and I find I identify with that so much more. I have my crystals with me all the time to soak up the negativity around me. I really do believe it helps.

Cut to 3:30am Tuesday morning, we had just driven home after saying goodbye and we got into our apartment, just me and my partner. It felt so strange, didn’t feel like home and it was probably because something inside us was missing. And that’s when it hit me, I fell to the floor in floods on tears, sobbing loudly, my partner comforted me until I felt a bit better. I think it was a build-up of all that had happened and the fact I hadn’t slept since the previous Friday.

My mind was going crazy, I felt I wasn’t justified to be upset as she wasn’t my gran and my partner seemed to be able to keep his composure, but I simply couldn’t. I was angry at myself for being so upset and I just couldn’t allow myself to think it was ok I was upset. Since then I have spoken to many people about these feelings and unanimously they believe it’s perfectly valid, she was a huge part of my life, I’m just struggling to accept that.

All the while this has been going on I have been battling my mental illness, I was already so low before all of this and this had added to it. I couldn’t tell my partner what was going on in my head, the last thing he needed was to deal with my broken self when he had just lost his gran. I was battling with suicidal thoughts and wanting to self harm and felt so selfish for having these thoughts. I was also trying to stop myself from succumbing to the voice in my head. He has been horrible recently. When gran was alive he was telling me he was making her suffer and making her be in pain and when she died he was telling me it was him that killed her. It was just awful.

Fast forward to right now, we are trying to sort out the funeral, the cars and flowers and everything else that now needs sorting. A few things that have come out from the conversations weve had is about Grans house and whats going to happen to it. The family want to keep it in the family as it had been in the family since the 50s and my partners name and I keeps coming up as possible people to take over the property. It would be a complete honour to take on the house, it would be a beautiful reminder to Gran. However my partners brother doesn’t seem to happy with this, he thinks we should work hard to get a house, not just to be offered one on a plate. I di see where he is coming from but its not as though we would not have to pay a single thing, we would need to pay a mortgage or whatever so we will still be working really hard to keep the property. I guess we will have to see what goes on with it.

Ok, so that wasn’t as bad as I first thought it was going to be. I feel better now I’ve got everything out.

I think I need help but how?!

I don’t even know how this blog post is going to turn out but I just need to vent and get everything out. So apologies in advance if it’s all jumbled and doesn’t make sense. 

I’ve just got back from seeing my partners gran. Almost 3 weeks ago now she was taken to A&E with stomach pain, 3 weeks later she is in a cancer specialist ward unable to eat and barely take a mouthful of water. We’ve know for around 8 months she has cancer, and it kinda came out the blue. She started to bleed when she went to the loo and for a 89 year old woman that clearly wasn’t normal. She went for tests and it came back that she had cancer pretty much all over her body. 

Since the diagnosis and up until about 3 weeks ago she has been brilliant, on top form, going out for meals, walks etc you would never know she was riddled with cancer. 

When she was taken to A&E we all thought it would be a simple in and out job and she would be fine. None of us were prepared for this. 

Although she isn’t my gran she is very much a part of my family and I have always classed her as ‘gran’ and I love so so much. So to leave the unit today with her complaining how cold she is, how much her mouth hurts, barely having the energy to suck water through a straw, it’s really hit me hard! 

Now I’m having a complete battle with myself. My emotions are shown really easily and yeah, things appear to effect me so much deeper than they do other people. So right now I’m feeling so incredibly guilty that I am feeling so low and so upset to see gran in this way. My partner doesn’t seem to be showing any emotion really and so it’s making me feel worse that he’s not as upset as I am so I shouldn’t be feeling that way. It’s not justified – quite simply she isn’t my gran and my partner and his family need me as the outsider to be strong. To be someone they can turn too and get support from. 

I am drowning, completely unable to tell my partner or his family because I need to be there for him. He has been there for me in so many different ways and so many times that it’s time I repaid the favour. But I’m not strong enough. My own mental health is zapping any ouce of energy I have, my physical health is so bad I am in constant searing pain and emotionally I am a completely wreck. 

On the outside everything looks quite normal and I look like I’m being strong and look like my mental health is taking a backseat, however this is complete bullshit. I’m lying to everyone. I am not ok. I appear calm but inside there’s volcanos and earthquakes and tsunamis going off. My mind is broken and fragmented. I look like I’m doing well but I’m just going through the motions. Doing what is expected without showing in anyway that I am not ok. 

Mental health doesn’t just go away because other people are suffering and need you. It’s there. The voice is there and is more horrible than ever. My emotions are on a rollercoaster every minute of the day, I’m self-harming just to get through the day, just to release all this inside and battling suicidal thoughts but yet nobody would ever tell. 

I am that used to telling people I’m doing fine and doing really well that this lie has become my default answer, it comes so naturally. What I really want to say is ‘I’m not ok, I am really poorly, my mind is a horrible place, I am suicidal, I can’t cope with seeing gran in this way, I can’t cope with my emotions, I’m barely surviving each day and I think I need help.’ But this will never get said because I don’t ‘appear to be poorly’. 

I don’t even know where I am going with this but right now I am writing to stop me self harming. To stop me from acting upon suicidal thoughts and to be able to appear fine. How could I possibly tell my partner I’m not very well when he has all this to deal with with his gran. How could anyone be so cruel and selfish as to want to take their own life when there is someone say in a hospital bed so much more worse off than you battling to stay alive. 

I think people assume that because I’m not in hospital and I go to work that my mental health and BPD has disappeared, they think I no longer have suicidal thoughts, I’ve stopped the ‘silly self harming’ and don’t plan to take my life. This is not true! It’s still all there, some days I manage it better and somedays I quite simply can’t cope at all. Today is that day. I just want to scream IM NOT OK! 

Boyfriends and bruises

New town, new city, new way of living. At age 15 I knew nothing about the world to be honest but going solo surely had to be better than the crap I’ve known growing up.

I took the first steps of contacting a local homeless charity who arranged a meeting for me that day. I went in to see a lovely woman names Jo who wrote everything down and made numerous phone calls and arranged appointments for me to be seen immediately. I finally felt like somebody cared and that things were going to be ok.

Being only 15 I had to go to the Local Children’s department to talk to an officer and discuss my estrangement, she wrote me a letter and gave me a few copies so that I could use it to take to the benefits office or housing units to help me to get a property.

The lady from the homeless shelter came with me to all these various places to get things in motion and even rang around some landlords she was in contact with to get me a place to stay for the night. At around 4pm the call came that a landlord had a bedsit available for me to go too; I was actually quite excited, my own little room to call mine, fully private, I can do whatever I want when I want.

Jo took me up to the bedsit and met the landlord with me, after signing documents and things he showed me to my bedsit. Room 10. It was a lot smaller than I thought it was going to be and had a single bed. The loo was down the corridor and the shower was in the room next to me. To get into my room I had to use a key card so I carried it in my pocket! The last thing i wanted was to be locked out after going to the loo!

The next day I went to meet Jo back at the homeless shelter and she was there to greet me and offered me a hot drink. I kindly took her up on this offer as I hadn’t had a hot drink for a few days now. We sat down and went through some forms I needed to fill out to help me with getting an income so I could afford rent etc. I explained to Jo how I only had £20 that I stole from my aunties purse 2 days earlier to make sure I could get some food. She offered me some food that she had upstairs, lots of tinned goods etc, I was so grateful! I also explained how I would love to start at college now that I had finished my GCSEs at school, and we filled out a college application form for a 2 year course in Multimedia. I was so excited; this really was a brand new life.

The landlord let me stay in the bedsit and we arranged for me to give him £70 a week for rent when my money came through. I now had an address and so the benefits office could forward me on my claim money each week. I had an interview at the college and subsequently managed to get a place on the course starting in September. It was now July and I remember thinking – I am going to do everything I can to enjoy my time before I start college. I did this to the best of my ability but receiving £100 each week and £70 going on rent didn’t leave much behind to play with. The bedsit was also not my ideal but I couldn’t afford anything else and so I had to put up with sharing a house with 15 other people with 3 toilets between us and 2 showers.

September came around really quickly and before I knew it I was getting ready for my first day there. It started with a presentation in the hall welcoming us to the college and then we went off to our relevant classrooms. Sat in the classroom surrounded by people I didn’t know soon got the better of me and I ended up having a full blown panic attack but luckily my college tutor was able to help me out. We all went around the classroom introducing ourselves and I found I was daydreaming about who I was going to make friends with and how our friendship would pan out. Sure enough break time came around and as I smoked I headed outside where I saw all the other college smokers go and noticed a few people from my course, I went over and asked if I could stand with them. From this day these were my college friends that I would spend every day with. It was brilliant.

In February after being in the bedsit for 7 months I couldn’t take it anymore. My mental health was really slipping and the living conditions weren’t doing me much good. I found myself talking to one of the college welfare officers and I told her my life story pretty much – this is where my mental health really started to go downhill from this point on. The college got me back in touch with the homeless shelter who were able to get me another place to stay, this time a proper flat and I was so excited to move. The welfare officer helped me to move my stuff about a week later and got me settled into my new place. I felt much better now I had a whole flat to myself, I didn’t have to share any of the facilities.

I was spending less and less time attending college and at the time I couldn’t see how bad my mental health was – I was self-harming daily, wouldn’t wash or shower, hardly ate anything and made no effort to contact my friends. The days I did go to college I spent most of my time meeting with the college welfare officer who would help me to get through each day. But it was getting increasingly more difficult by the day. She soon had me in contact with a councillor and we would meet regularly every week. Her name was Pat. Pat was the only person I had ever told up until then about the sexual abuse. It took me so long to trust her and talk to her about any of my past but when I finally opened up she was horrified. She could clearly see now why I had so many complex mental health issues and why I was struggling on a daily basis. The welfare officer used to sit in with me during my sessions because I couldn’t bear to be alone with her because of my anxieties, so now the welfare officer was aware of my past and my childhood and the shit I went through.

Since she found out all about this she seemed to care for me a lot more, she would always be there for me to talk to and sit with me to help me with my college work. I was spending almost every day with her and I was unable to be in the classroom. I would last maybe 15 minutes in the classroom before I got so overwhelmed and ended up rocking back and forth in my chair until the welfare officer came to get me and take me down to her room. I was almost childlike – my every need now had to be met by an adult as I was unable to look after myself. This also extended to home too. My flat wasn’t the relaxing sanctuary it should have been; instead it was dirty, untidy and actually quite disgusting. I was finding it so hard to look after myself never mind looking after the property too. I stopped taking the rubbish out and it was mounting up in bin bags in my kitchen, I didn’t do the dishes and plates and bowls were left in the sink for weeks at a time. I very rarely showered and slept in the same bedding for months. I know how disgusting this is but I physically couldn’t look after the flat.

The landlady used to visit every week to collect the rent but I wouldn’t let her into the property, I would stand in the doorway blocking her view so that she couldn’t see in. I knew that she had to give me 24 hours’ notice before entering the property so I knew she wouldn’t see the extent of the dirty hovel I was living in. Although I don’t think 24 hours would have made much difference, there would be no way I could clean the whole flat in 24 hours, heck I probably couldn’t clean it in 24 days!

This cycle of life continued, hardly going to college and if I did I wasn’t in my lessons, I continued to live and contribute to the state of my flat and my own personal hygiene and also became so isolated from never talking to friends. I remember one day receiving a text from an unknown number simply saying ‘hey, how are you?’ I had no idea who it was so messaged something snotty back and then later found out it was a college student from my course, let’s call him J. Me and J spend a whole load of that night texting back and forth and this was the first person I had connected too in months. He persuaded me to go into college the next day and because he made me feel so good I told him I would turn up. Unlike usual I didn’t go to the welfare office I went up to my classroom and there was J smiling at me, reserving a seat next to him. I felt a rush of every emotion I think but then went and took my place next to him. A lot of people were looking at me and probably wondering who I was as I hadn’t been to the classroom in such a long time. My tutor was pleased to see me and pleased to see I had made friends with J.

J and I grew closer, and I was attending college more regularly, I was still spending most days in the welfare office but I guess that was better than not attending at all! My flat was still a state and nothing had improved there but I was feeling a little happier than previous months. J finally asked me out one night and I was over joyed, my first proper boyfriend! We met up at the weekend and he came to my flat. I tidied the living room to make it presentable and closed all the doors to the other rooms so he couldn’t see what a state it was. We had been flirting over text and I was a bit apprehensive that he would want to sleep with me. I didn’t know if I wanted this or not but still took the time to shower and make myself look presentable. He came round that weekend and we spend ages laughing and joking, listening to music but then I also divulged information about my past too him and explained why I spend so much time in the welfare office. Things were going really well. We kissed for a bit and then things got a bit more heated and soon enough his hands were all over me. This was going to be the first time I had slept with somebody – excluding the abuse.

Unfortunately him touching me just instantly gave me flashbacks to the abuse and I no longer wanted to have sex with him. I kept saying no but he was getting more and more forceful. I don’t know if he thought I was playing around or something but me saying no didn’t stop him. I had tears in my eyes as I begged him to stop but he just kept kissing me and touching me. I manage to get out and say I needed the loo and spend the next 10 minutes crying in the toilet unsure of what to do next. I was determined that when I went back out I was going to tell him I didn’t want to do this, but as I opened the bathroom door, he was there in the doorway. He started to kiss me and then pretty much dragged me back to the sofa. Before I knew it I was naked and he was on top of me. I couldn’t get away from it; I just had to endure it. I was so glad when it was over and I explained to him that I wasn’t comfortable doing that and he was really apologetic and sorry, he didn’t realise that I didn’t want too. This made me question if I had done something to make him think that was ok with it and concluded it wouldn’t happen again. Next time he would hear my cries.

College continued and I was still seeing J when i made it to college or he came round mine but unfortunately every time he came to my property he wanted sex and if he didn’t get it he was becoming more forceful. Dragging me around, slapping me, putting his hand over my mouth etc. But he was my boyfriend and I truly believed this was normal. My mental health was all over the place still and I didn’t want to be with J any longer but I didn’t have the strength to tell him. I found my way out though, when a guy from the local shop gave me his number and asked me if I wanted a drink with him sometime. I messaged him straight away almost, I had a way out, and it felt like he had rescued me. I met up with him that night at his place and we got on great. It was perfect. We kissed goodbye and I prepared myself to go into college the next day to tell J it was over.

He didn’t take the news very well and got really angry and held me up against the wall, but another student saw it and broke him away from me. We never spoke again after this and I very quickly got in a relationship with the new guy, let’s call him C. Mine and C’s relationship was great, we met up almost every night at his place and if we didn’t we would text constantly. We ended up sleeping with each other fairly quickly but this time it felt right and felt great. For the first time I enjoyed it and allowed him to do things.

A few months into our relationship we started to have little arguments about things and would fall out. I put it down to us spending too much time together and so I distanced myself slightly from him. Soon enough the arguments were full blown and wild accusations would come from C saying that I had cheated on him and I was sleeping with other people. It got to the point that if I didn’t reply to his messages after 5 minutes he would ring me constantly or come round to see what I was doing and who I was sleeping with. The truth was I hadn’t cheated on him and never had the intention too. I left college and manage to get a simple admin job and he would walk me to and from work ensuring that I didn’t meet anyone along the way. If it was that he couldn’t meet me he would ring me for the whole journey until I was home. He soon started to check my phone and read every message I sent to people. He never found any evidence of me talking to others because there was none, I didn’t speak to anyone at all apart from him but then this made him believe I was hiding things from him and deleting the messages. Once again I was completely miserable and spent a lot of time self harming and simply crying.

One day when I was at his he went to make a hot drink, I was in his bedroom and he left his phone. I was so pissed off of being accused all the time I decided to see if he was hiding anything from me. I knew I had to be quick but also knew I would hear him walk up the stairs. I opened his messages app on his iPhone and saw a thread of messages between him and an unknown number. I clicked on it and scrolled to the top, I couldn’t believe what I was reading. ‘I can’t wait to meet you tomorrow’, ‘do you want to go out in my car somewhere’, ‘thanks for last night, you were so good at it, I can’t wait until next time’ the string of messages went on and on and all centered around C and this person meeting and sleeping with each other. I was shaking and my adrenaline was pumping, how dare he accuse me when in fact it was him that was cheating on me. I scrolled down a bit more and there I saw a completely disgusting sexual picture. Except this made me even more confused and upset, he had been cheating on me with a man!!! I put his phone back where he left it and with adrenaline still pumping I confronted him as soon as he walked through the door. We argued for a while and then he turned it around on me being in the wrong, how I shouldn’t have read his messages etc. We ended up screaming and shouting and then out of nowhere I felt this pain in my face, he had punched me.

I was so shocked I just stood there, frozen to the spot. ‘Are you going to fuck off then bitch or you will get another!’ without a word I ran out of his house and ran pretty much all the way back to my flat. What on earth had just happened, how could I of never seen that he had this side to him? I lay in bed for the rest of the night, just crying into my pillow. My phone was on silent and missed quite literally hundreds of missed calls and messages from C. Eventually I heard a knock at my door and I got out to see who it was. The minute I opened the door he stormed in demanding me to talk to him and demanding I told him who I had round because I didn’t answer his texts. I pleaded with him I didn’t have anyone round but he didn’t believe me. Instead he grabbed me by my throat against my living room door and screamed and shouted at me. I couldn’t help but cry. Begging him to stop but then he started to punch me in my stomach, spit on me and pull my hair. He finished his tirade by having extremely rough sex with me and forcing me to perform oral. I was completely battered and bruised by the time he had finished and left and I lay naked on my bed silent, unable to cry, unable to think and unable to move.

 

Changes and new beginnings

That night my dad and brother came to visit me at the hospital in the evening but only stayed for about an hour. My nan had obviously told them all the details and they both sat quiety on two chairs next to my bed. It felt pretty awkward as nobody mentioned the elephant in the room of the reason i was in hospital in the first place.

I relaxed a bit when they went and got used to the idea that it was a safe place to be and i could just relax and not have to worry about anything. Luckily my dad bought up some change of clothes and my essentials like hairbrush, toothpaste and my phone charger. He also bought me a book from one of my bookshelves.

I dodn’t feel much like reading that night and decided to get an early night. I had no idea how long I was going to be there for, so might as well use the opportunity to stay in bed to my advantage!

The next day i was visited by doctors and nurses and then had a meeting with the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS) where I spoke to one of the workers. This chat went on for a while and everything came out! And i mean everything. My mum and partner being drunk, the daily beatings, the sexual abuse, the exstent of the self harm, the nightmares and flashbacks, the sheer deseration to end my life – everything. I cried alot during this session and the lady i saw was so lovely. She explained I will be reffered to them for councilling in the community and i will have my own councillor who i would see regularly and we would discuss all of this and work through it. I liked the sound of that, someone i could confide in and tell everything too, but i was also pretty scared, i didn’t know what was going to happen and I was a bit worried bringing up the past might stir unwanted emotions.

I was in the hospital for just over a week and my sister and her partner came to get me as she allowed me to stay at her house with her for a few days for a bit of restbite. I loved the idea of having a sleepover with my sister and was glad something good came of this.

Once back home and back in school i started to see my councillor, I didn’t know what to expect from these sessions but we talked about various things and I was with her for 2 years before she concluded our sessions. I was still having difficulties in school but now all the teachers were aware of my mental health they were able to step in when necassary and give me the support i needed.

Mine and Ls relationship was flourishing and we were still together. We would often meet up at the weekends even though we saw eachother every day in school. I loved her and she loved me.

The reltionship between me and my nan was very fractured we would argue a lot and I started to resent her. She just didnt understand me at all and didnt make any effort to understand me. I was quite a problem teenager but who isnt! Yes i had issues but did she really need to shun me as much as she did? We would have blazing rows that would result in me storming out or away. The relationship with my dad wasnt much better. He hardly spoke to me now as again he didn’t get me or didn’t know how to handle me. I’d be in my bedroom from the moment i got home from school as i didn’t want to spend time around a family that didn’t want me. My brother and I got on to a degree but even this wasnt the best relationship. Everyone had jumped ship and left me to deal with all this shit alone.

In the years since being admitted to hospital I attempted to take my life 3 times, each one obviously failed. I made sure not go to the hospital as the last thing i wanted was to stay in again.

In my last year in school family life was miserable. I lived a lonley exsistance despite beiing surrounded by my brother and dad but i had never felt so alone. They wouldnt talk to me, i got more and more difficult to handle, and my mental health spirlled out of control.I was barely keeping my head above water and I wasn’t coping.

My dad started to drink really heavily, which seemed like a overnight thing, one minute he only had like one drink a night to then having a whole bottle of wine and a load of beers each night. This made me super uncomfortable as all i could think of was my stepdad when he was drunk used to abuse me. I started to lock my room and not allow my dad or brother in at all.

Id be so scared that my dad or brother would do something like that to me as I was the only female in the house. I had notice my dad look at my breasts quite a lot when I was around him so i started to wear really baggy clothing. I would take a bath with my underwear on because of the fear someone would walk into the bathroom. I hated my body, it felt dirty and used and I was petrified it was going to happen all over again.

My dad or brother never did do anything to me sexual which i am grateful for but my dad would be verbally abusive to me and also raise his fists a few times which scared me to my wits end.

I started babysitting for my auntie and loved the escape from the house. I would plead with her not to send me home but she had too. She moved to a new property and I began to babysit more and more for her, until basically I was their daily. when I was 14 (actually on my birthday) I made the decision to move in with her and she loved it. We obviously had to tell my dad about my decision and my auntie came in with me. I told him ‘I’m going to go live with [auntie] and his response was ‘You fuckin bitch! get out of my sight, I never want to see you again, you better be glad youre leaving otherwise you’d get what was coming to you’ I cried my eyes out and made a hasty retreat. Back to the safety of my aunties house.

The first few weeks of being at my aunties went well and we all got along, and then she started treating me like her personal babysitter that was on tap whenever she wanted. I’d be left with the kids for hours on end and although i loved looking after them she saw it as she could piss off and do what she wants and not worry about the kids. She told me I couldnt smoke anymore and banned me from that, then it turned into my duty to have to tidy the house, cook, clean, do the washing and ironing and babysit the kids. I felt like a full-time mum in the space of a few weeks. I wasnt a full time mum, or her personal cleaner, i had my own school work to do and needed a break from it.

It started to feel like this was my existance now a constant cycle of mental abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse and a slave. I was so unhappy all of the time. The self harming started to get really bad and sometimes i would run away to try and escape the pain.

At the age of 15 I decided enough was definitly enough! I couldnt take it anymore, I told my auntie I was leaving and she allowed it. I moved to somewhere completely new, away from everyone, away from everything I knew. I was alone, in a new town, and even city and this was perfect. Just me myself and I, nobody to dictate to me what I should and shouldn’t do. For once i felt happy and relieved to be away from my life – ready to start again.